When I was struggling with anxiety and depression, despite being surrounded by amazing friends and family, I had never felt more alone. My ability to sustain relationships, social interactions and going out, whilst navigating life, university and mental illness, resulted in me pulling away from people.

I discovered that I really enjoyed writing and the emergence of the book was hugely cathartic. I was surprised by my mental strength and, by having written about and owned my ‘differences’ and eccentricities, I no longer feel stigmatised by them. 

I started thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and that toxic relationships were all my fault. It wasn’t until our daughter was born that my daughter’s father started showing his true colours. This previously calm, kind and enlightened man was in fact a pathological liar, a man without care or remorse, who was attempting to control every area of my life. I did eventually escape. I had the urge to write down my experiences in my book entitled ‘Breaking Free: Recognising & Surviving Controlling Behaviours.’ I want this book helping as many people as possible.

I went to the GP where they assumed it was a urine infection. A short while later, I was rushed into emergency surgery, followed by a stint in the ICU. I felt so weak, useless and annoyed.

Around 10 years ago, a close friend of mine died by suicide when I was at university. In the most toxic of masculine ways pretended I was fine, drank lots of alcohol and was soon working my ‘dream job’ at a bank. Turns out not sleeping, being hung-over the majority of the time, not processing the death of a friend and working 16 hour days isn’t great for your mental health. I was depressed and I wanted it to stop.

In spending more time with myself & paying close attention to the moments when my mood starts to lower I’ve learned that I am very intuitive & empathetic, so those two things combined often leave me feeling this weight of “not doing enough” and that’s usually what leads me into a dark mental space.

As young as 4 or 5 I first noticed certain ‘quirks. I was always told I’d grow out of the habits, which in a way I did. Reaching 18, things had calmed down. That was until October 2017, when a breakdown hit!

I was a highly sensitive child, often flitting from one extreme emotion to the next, meaning that I internalised and felt every emotion. As I went throughout school I was called ugly countless times. Mentally this took a HUGE toll on my self-concept. I hated being me. There was a time I’d rather die than be me. I tried to block the negativity out but it paralysed, overwhelmed and almost consumed me right into my 20s.

After years of partying and burying my feelings in substances, I wanted to finally learn to love myself SOBER and peel back all these layers of protective masks I’d covered myself up with to protect myself over the years. Lack of confidence when sober, and no life purpose left me with a crushing weight on my soul.

Three years after the loss of my mum, to a heart attach in 2016, my mental health descended down a slippery slope. I had always prided myself on being someone who things like depression and anxiety didn't touch. In a weird and very toxic way, I felt proud that I hadn't let myself go to those dark places. So when these dark, intrusive and suicidal thoughts came into my mind, I was baffled.