this talk: is about the insecurities beneath my confident & bubbly personality - with Tee Cee
Hey beautiful YOU!
Tee Cee here... so I’ve been asked to talk about my mental health journey and to be honest it’s taken me nearly a year to get around to writing this, here it goes!!
As the World Health Organisation says.. “We all have emotions, feelings, thoughts and moods that may influence our mental health, and that is perfectly normal.”... I wanted to start with this to make a point of saying, I’m not a victim but simply human.
I was a highly sensitive child so growing up I cried, A LOT! I would often flit from one extreme emotion to the next, one minute I could be trying to bang my head off the fireplace in a full blown tantrum and in a split second I’d be back on my feet, bouncing around the room and laughing my head off like nothing happened. WEIRD? It’s okay, I don’t mind if you judge me!
In all seriousness, being highly sensitive meant that I internalised and felt every emotion, my sensory processing was heightened, everything from bright artificial light, bad smells, bad breath and smelly armpits, buzzing sounds, any kind of mess or dirt, swearing, violent imagery or films all bothered, upset and could reduce me to distress. I hated people touching me... my Mom said that once there was a hair in the bath, my own hair at that and I screamed and cried until I watched her empty the whole tub, take the hair out (it was important that I saw her take it out) and refill it with fresh water. She also added that I was the only child she knew who hated finger painting or anything that involved my hands getting dirty.
This is a tiny taster of some of the behaviours I demonstrated growing up... but being highly sensitive is only half the story. I remember being 3-years-old and being told how ugly I was by an older cousin. This triggered EVERYTHING.
As I went throughout school, mainly Primary and partly in my teenage years, more people affirmed this statement... I was called the ‘U’ word countless times, compared to animals, demonised for having a dark shade of brown, often humiliated in social circles, made the butt of a joke and the one that so-called friends used as leverage to make themselves feel better about their own looks. Mentally this took a HUGE toll on my self-concept. I hated being me. There was a time I’d rather die than be me... but I cleverly found a way to hide my insecurities under a blanket of bubbliness.
On the surface I was happy, smiley and confident. I’d grown up in a loving immediate family with parents and sisters who have always affirmed me so I tried and tried and tried to block the negativity out but it paralysed, overwhelmed and almost consumed me right into my 20s.
Like our good sis Solange says “I tried to work it away”... and admittedly I tried to keep myself busy enough through various accolades, accomplishments and my career to not have to think about the pain... but I was hurting. I had multiple panic attacks, anxiety states, thought about running away, suicidal thoughts, insomnia and often felt misunderstood by everybody around me.
The pain turned from internal trauma to physical... it started to manifest as sciatica, Costochondritis, acne breakouts and poor appetite... but like I said I’ve never liked the idea of being labelled or viewed as a victim. I’ve never been a person to self-disclose to friends what’s going on in my personal life, but I’ve been journaling since the age of five, so this has always been a self help tool I use to express myself and keep it 100.
Whether it’s leaning on my Christian faith, getting practical help such as counselling or self-care practices... I’ve always made an effort towards my mental health and wellbeing, because I want to enjoy being me. I get bored being down but it’s not like I wake up with the agenda to purposely feel unliked, unloved, unworthy and unwanted. Sometimes you can just literally snap into a state because of a trigger ,maybe it’s something someone said or how they did something, and you spiral into this deep, dark hole of ruminative cycles.
I cope because I accept that life is a DAILY journey. I turn up and show up for the day because that’s as far as my emotional capacity can stretch. I accept that I’m sensitive and I also accept there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m glad that I haven’t allowed my past to dictate my destiny, it’s not easy but I believe that each day I get a bit stronger, more resilient and I believe I am a 10, no matter what you or anyone else thinks of me.
I don’t know how I made it to this point of my life, but only for the grace of God. Turns out I have a lot more fight left in me.
They only gave me 750 words and I’m sure I’ve probably run over but hopefully just by reading a snippet of my journey it will encourage, enlighten and empower you. You are not alone and most importantly don’t try to do it on your own, there is help out there, waiting for you, if you are willing to receive it.
Remember 360 transformation does not happen overnight, one day at a time. You’ve got this!
Tee Cee x