this talk: is about sobriety, depression & how finding my purpose saved me - with Avery Underwood
My journey with mental health has been inextricably linked to my journey of self-love. Let’s go back to the beginning.
I spent many of my teenage years moving from the United States to the UK and vice versa, and with each move came with it its own trials and tribulations.
During this time, it became harder and harder to be accepted for being myself at new schools – so my way of coping was to be malleable with my personality and adapt to my surroundings. But this meant in my early 20s I was such a masked version of myself that at age 25, after years and years of partying and burying my feelings in substances, I wanted to finally learn to love myself SOBER and peel back all these layers of protective masks I’d covered myself up with to protect myself over the years.
Around this same time was when I had just graduated from University and found myself catapulted into the big bad world with a job that was unsatisfying and in a new city that I wasn’t too keen on. The amalgamation of all these things meant that I found myself lost and confused, and in a bout of depression. Because I wasn’t confident in myself sober, and I didn’t know what I was doing in my life (lack of life purpose is, in my opinion, one of the biggest contributing factors to a lot of poor mental health), these two things created this crushing weight on my soul that I found really hard to get out of.
During this time of depression, my head was constantly clouded. I just couldn’t seem to get out of it. I felt trapped in my mind, and my mind was a dark, dark place. Anyone who’s been there knows how devastatingly crushing this is.
I remember walking down the street on a nice day and not even realising it was sunny. And I LIVE for the sun! This is what poor mental health feels like – so entrenched in your own mind that you’re not able to BE and appreciate the present moment around you. It makes you anti-social, and you can come across as rude to people – because you’re really struggling and suffering - and don’t know how to be any other way. This also leads to self-deprecating thoughts when you think about your interactions with people… How you could have done better. How you’re different than how you used to be… It’s just… Awful.
This lost-ness and depression went on for several months until I finally pulled my socks up and realised that only I could get myself out of it. I had seen a counsellor for several months, but realised it wasn’t really helping or my thing. I traced the root of what was making me feel so shit and that was that I had nothing that excited me to get me out of bed in the morning - so I decided to figure out what my life purpose was. What job would I LOVE that would make my heart sing?
I started reading books and immersing myself in my newfound interests, which turned out to be wellness related. This kickstarted my journey of self-care and self-love, inadvertently, without even realising it. My passion and my journey married hand in hand at this time. It’s beautiful to look back on now.
I finally found a day job in my new city after months of searching. I enrolled in a short course in nutrition which I ended up loving. I found a Health & Wellness Coaching course that made my soul light up, and I made sure I was practicing self-care for me FIRST. As a habitual people pleaser, this did not come easily to me. Exercising, getting outside, prepping good food, learning to say no and set boundaries. Most importantly learning to appreciate the little moments and the beauty of what was around me. Being present literally saved me. Learning to get out of my head and into the present moment was one of the biggest gifts I could have ever given myself. And no longer burying myself in alcohol to feel accepted or socially extroverted.
Although things weren’t smooth sailing from there – I learned one thing about myself. I can do ANYTHING, including getting myself out of my darkest days. I can shift my own mindset, and I wanted to help others do the same with my Wellness Coaching. My passion is to help women discover that they are awesome, exactly as they are, as this reflects what I had to go through with my journey. I know what it’s like to feel so awkward and unworthy in your natural self, which inadvertently causes poor mental health. It’s not a feeling I wish on anyone but a feeling I know so many have. I want to help women know they are worth creating and going after the life of their dreams, because I know what it’s like not having a purpose. That the only love and approval they really need is from themselves. Even though it seems like a monumental task, making a commitment to love yourself and unapologetically take care of yourself first is not a luxury. It is VITAL for a happy and thriving life. We need to first FULL-FILL our cups in order to be able to overflow and then pour out love to others. Otherwise, we’re left resentful, and unfulfilled, which has a massive effect on our mental health, like it did with mine.
I was a people pleaser for all of my life and this people pleasing brought with it a lot of anxiety. But I realised pleasing others constantly was sucking the life out of me. External validation does not make you happy. It actually destroys your soul. Because when you’re a people pleaser and you get this validation from others, when people aren’t around you don’t feel good enough and whole… And if this sounds like you, you never will until you make a commitment to start building that self-love.
Gratitude and presence were the two biggest gifts I gave myself. Being grateful for my courage, my bravery, for wanting better for myself, for the running water in my tap, to the beautiful flowers outside. These two things made me realise that no matter what, life was actually sweet. And I was so thankful for myself for these lessons that it gave me.
So, for anyone struggling with poor mental health – just know that EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY. There are ways to shift your mindset to appease anxiety. There are ways to find your purpose, your passion, and find the beauty in life when everything seems so fucking dark. All it takes is a commitment to yourself to want more. To seek help. To want better for yourself. And actively go out there and do it, whatever it takes.
It’s your life, and you deserve to have the best one for YOURSELF.
This too shall pass. Sometimes we just have to fight to help it pass quicker.