this talk: is about learning that controlling relationships are made up of hundreds of little behaviours - with Eva Jean
Have you ever wondered, ‘Why am I often attracted to unavailable people?’ Or ‘why do so many of my relationships begin perfect and then become incredibly controlling?’
For years I asked myself this question. I started thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and that toxic relationships were all my fault. It didn’t help that some partners told me gleefully that I was ‘difficult,’ ‘angry,’ or – that party-piece favourite used by controllers everywhere – ‘crazy.’ I started to believe them. I started believing I was worthless.
That’s not to say that I didn’t have some nice boyfriends, but I struggled with those. I didn’t trust the niceness. I wasn’t used to it. It sometimes made me feel trapped. Bored. I didn’t want bastards – I was desperate for unconditional love and security, but was also terrified of it as it made me very unsettled and I couldn’t figure out why.
I struggled with severe bouts of depression, and anxiety at times. I seriously thought that I had Bipolar Disorder. In my twenties I did lots of library research (before the days of smart phones and readily available internet!) and realised I likely am on a mood disorder spectrum: not the same as most other people, but not as severe as manic depression. I was on antidepressants for most of my twenties, and am happily back on a low dose now. It’s funny because on the outside I probably seemed ultra-confident and fun-loving. Often, I was.
Aged 30, following many years of infertility worries, I met another ‘Mr Perfect’ and became quickly pregnant. It wasn’t until our daughter was born and I was trying to enjoy the ‘family life’ I had craved for so long, that my brain started recognising patterns, and connecting up the dots between my early relationship with my father, and my current relationships.
You see, my daughter’s father started showing his true colours not long after we moved into our first house with the baby, and what I had earlier mistaken for ‘quirks’ or ‘eccentricity’ became apparent as toxic control tactics. I still didn’t fully understand what was happening, though. It creeps up on you, control. This previously calm, kind and enlightened man was in fact a pathological liar, a man without care or remorse, who was attempting to control every area of my life. Who lied about most things, seemingly for no reason. Our fun life had disappeared quickly. He argued and sulked when I wanted an old friend to visit. He twisted my words, changed his own opinions daily, got me caught up in a daily tornado of confusion and bewilderment. Nothing made him happy anymore. And I was frequently told it was all my fault. He attempted to destroy everything that was ‘me’ whilst causing me to question everything. He lied about money. I started feeling like I was going mad, and of course the postnatal depression I had sought help for after a traumatic premature birth was used against me. It took me a few years to learn that I had been gaslit, in a thousand different ways, in every area of life, to a frightening effective degree, especially when I was vulnerable.
He was reminding me strongly of the way my father was, sullen, severe and very menacing.
I did eventually escape. Because he refused to leave, and I had no family close-by, I had to trick him into leaving, to ‘give me some space.’ He went to stay with family, and badgered me daily, demanding to know when he was coming back. Of course, once he was gone, I made sure he was gone for good. It was a frightening time, especially as he was threatening legal action if I didn’t abide by his ‘rules.’
Despite me never stopping him from being a father, he took me to court twice, and I nearly had a breakdown the first time. The second time, I was stronger, knew my rights as a mother. The Magistrates saw right through his lies and bizarre demands (when I look back, many of those requests remind me of Britney’s father’s conservatorship ‘rules.’)
I had been frightened of him, but during that second court case I remember looking at him with his Solicitor and his Barrister, thinking what a sad little man he was and how much money we had both spent so that he could end up with less than he had been offered in the first place. I realised you cannot ‘fix’ a controller.
The break-up hit me hard. However, in time, I was proud of myself for leaving what was an incredibly abusive relationship. I started taking care of myself more, following my dreams. However, I was chronically lonely, and steam-rolled into another toxic relationship, and then eventually another. These men all seemed so different from each other, yet the thing they had in common (apart from me) was how ‘nice,’ ‘polite’ and ‘caring’ they appeared to be to others. How normal they seemed.
I was emotionally battered. I wasn’t stupid though, I knew I was strong, resourceful and very loving. Research online about mental health led to learning about narcissism, and all the many ways it can present itself as lack of empathy, deep insecurity, a lack of inward-thinking, and a deep need for control. I had my eyes opened in so many ways. The penny dropped: these people were master-manipulators. Because of how my father had made me feel (unloved, unworthy) I was attracting that all over again in toxic relationships. Counselling helped immensely.
I got chronically sick, but finally met a decent, loving and kind man. It took me a while to start unlearning all the negative programming I had received. I picked fights, assumed that his mask was going to slip. Especially as I fell in love. People rarely talk about this side of surviving toxicity.
I had the urge to write down my bizarre experiences, to try and make sense of them. Maybe they could help somebody else spot the signs?
My controllers all looked very different, and in terms of personality. These differences were what got me starting to put my book together, because if you line up five controlling people, they will all seem completely different, yet behind closed doors, the tactics are often similar or identical in many ways. ALL controllers have two faces. The more I looked for clues, the more memories came to me. I also included examples from dozens of other survivors that I spoke to or read about. That eventually became several hundred examples, and I started grouping them into Physical, Social, Financial, Emotional, Sexual, Self-esteem, and Children (attempting to co-parent with a controller or ex-controller).
During the pandemic, I turned forty, and couldn’t believe how many friends had been through similar toxic battles. Some were still trapped. All are affected long-term, because it is not as simple as ‘leave the crappy relationship and feel fine again.’ Often, we have wounds that were started up in early childhood. Most of us seem to end up with chronic illness. I don’t believe this is a coincidence. If we are groomed for manipulation as a child, we are primed and even prepared for it as an adult. It may be all we know.
My book is my baby – I am ultra-proud of it. It was not an easy project and is not an easy read. But it IS important, as it spotlights many hidden behaviours that we may not recognise at the time. It is entitled ‘Breaking Free: Recognising & Surviving Controlling Behaviours.’ I created it as an ebook and as a paperback, as I want this book to help as many people as possible. Too many women are killed every day still by controllers, and more needs to be done. Not all controllers are physically violent, but ALL intentional deaths of women have a control element. Plus, control tends to escalate over time. Most women are killed in their own homes, the one place you should feel safe. Of course, men can be controlled too. And it can happen in friendships, families, work situations – institutions too.
I have been with my partner for over four years. Thank goodness he is the same man I went on that first date with. There was no ‘mask slippage,’ as there is no mask. Thank goodness I learned to trust and give things time. I realised that we are never completely stuck: we can ALWAYS take a baby step forward. Just because we have had a few shitty relationships, it doesn’t mean that is our only destiny and cannot be changed. We just have to learn about what is happening, and educate ourselves and our loved ones, our children, on unhealthy behaviours. So that we can learn to love ourselves enough to grow beyond them.
Much love. Stay happy, and free.