this talk: is about OCD, Anxiety and everything in-between - with Anthony Bryan
When asked to write a little something about my story, I thought, hmm, where to begin?
I’ve always felt my mind was endlessly plotting against me, finding ways to mess me up. As young as 4 or 5 I first noticed certain ‘quirks.
It started with overwhelming urges to carry out rituals, from blinking and raising my voice to touching door handles 10 times before feeling calm enough to leave a room. This was the beginning of a life with OCD and anxiety.
Imagine, you’re a child and a pretty happy one. On the outside smiling, and always making jokes. However, on the inside, I was terrified of what thoughts and habits would come next?
Let me explain a little. Obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD is seen as a need to be clean, having everything in its place. This can be true, but there is a darker side.
So, let’s talk!?
Intrusive thoughts are The Obsession; these little shits plagued me since childhood. A thought would pop in, sometimes teamed with very real feelings of physical pain. A type of hallucination. To rid these, a tic would emerge. I felt an overwhelming need to carry out certain actions, such as washing my hands or touching objects.
A more extreme example. My family would plan trips out. FUN! We would jump in the car and set off. I dreaded this! Each time we drove past an electric pylon, I would sit in the back seat with very real sensations of the wires/cables cutting into my skin. Even writing this I can feel every bit.
In my head, the only way to stop this ‘pain’ was to carry out rituals ‘The compulsion’ Of course, deep down I knew tapping my fingers together or flaring my nostrils wouldn’t make things better. But the urge was so strong, it had to be done.
I was always told I’d grow out of the habits, which in a way I did. Reaching 18, things had calmed down, to the point it didn’t get to me. Yeah, I was a little clean freak but that was it. The odd thought would pop by to say ‘Hey’ but they were short-lived.
Sure, I had blips throughout with bouts of depression and OCD rearing its ugly head. But I seemed to get through.
That was until October 2017, when a breakdown hit!
This was more than a blip. This was scary as f**k!
Unhappiness and anxiety were feelings pushed deep down and really, just suppressed. Barely into my 30’s and yet again, my mind was plotting.
It started on the tube to work. The beating of my heart so loud I swear everyone could hear. My clothes soaked from sweat. My tongue felt swollen blocking my airways. Catching my breath was near impossible...
This happened every day for over a week. Shockingly, I was able to get through the working day, hiding my sweat patches with spare shirts stored in my locker. Making excuses to leave the desk when I felt panic rising up. I just carried on... Until. Yup, it all became too much.
The day arrived. Entering work, sitting down... just to be slapped with uncontrollable emotion. As I opened the laptop. I balled! Crying so much my face resembled a wrinkly bulldog.
Needless to say, I was sent home to arrange a doctor's appointment. The diagnosis was (GAD) Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I'm not sure why, but I refused anti-depressants without thinking, settling on Beta-Blockers to ease the panic attacks along with no work and suggested therapy.
Weeks passed, and the effects of the Beta-Blockers made me feel like a zombie, I was starting to rethink the anti-depressants. This resulted in trying to get another appointment with my GP. Unfortunately, as we know, GPs are not the easiest place to get into.
After no space again, I had reached my limit.
October 27th, I sat alone in the living room not feeling right. I was having major sensory experiences ‘hallucinations’ with some rather horrid thoughts.
'Just another joyous unspoken symptom of OCD'
Sat with a glass of rum in hand thinking it would somehow help. The back of my head feeling so heavy with pressure, I didn’t feel present at all. My mind and body didn’t seem linked.
It was then thoughts started to creep in, telling me to end it.
‘Now, those of us with OCD are not new to intrusive thoughts, but these didn’t seem to be going anywhere.’
To cut a long arse story short. I saw the doctor again, who was helpful but they can only do so much.
After a lot of dragging myself out of bed, reading up on meditation, and journaling. I started to heal. Sadly, old habits crept in. Journaling and meditation were no longer a daily thing, which resulted in anxiety and OCD being back tormenting me.
Late 2019 arrived, and although it would soon be a shit time for the world, it was my awakening. A major learning curve had begun.
I needed to get better once and for all, so I took action! My days off from work spent studying mindfulness, psychology, and two great mental health courses. Journaling became full-blown article writing, which landed me a publication, and honestly, saved me!
In November 2020 I started to intern for a mental wellness start-up to learn anything and everything.
Any remaining time is spent listening to my emotions, oversharing my story with the hope it will break down the stigma attached to mental ill-health.
Writing is helping, which in turn has started a conversation to encourage others to open up.
I’m contributing to several mental health platforms, and proud to say, I am an ambassador for two new wellness companies.
Don’t get me wrong, as I sit and write I expose myself to triggers, but this allows me to get it out, accept it, and in many ways let it go. This is why I am such a fan of journaling as a way to cope.
My advice. You’re never too old to learn! Reading, writing, and being inquisitive are coping strategies in their own right.
Getting our thoughts down can be done anywhere and costs nothing! Grab your phone, use notes, or simply put pen to paper and see how you get on. You may be going through a crap time now, but it won’t last forever. Be open with no fear of being judged. This includes judging yourself. Meditate! We all need to breathe so why not try breathwork to calm and relax our busy minds.
Let’s start a conversation. How are you?