I was bullied all through secondary school for my size (x large), my height (tall), my glasses (worn), and my studies (always in the library). The very same things I used to be bullied for are the same things that kick started my career. I started working internationally as a plus-size model, working with some great established brands.

When I was 29 I had a breakdown. I’d switch between staring at the wall, not feeling anything and sobbing into my pillow. My thoughts got darker, less rational and more intrusive. I can’t tell anyone how to feel. Especially if, like I was, you’re not feeling anything at all. But I can tell you that this is not permanent. No matter how long it’s been, how often it is. 

3 years ago, I attempted suicide. It was not the first attempt on my life, it was not the last, but it was the overdose where I nearly lost my life. Sharing this publicly, takes a lot of courage and a lot of vulnerability but there is something beautiful in being able to be so vulnerable with other people and I am writing this, in the hope that it will help show someone that they are not alone and to also aid in de-fuelling the stigma that surrounds suicidal ideation, trauma and mental illness.

Cancer literally saved my life and I want to tell you why and help break down the stigma around living with a ‘terminal’ condition. I may have terminal cancer. I may, at the time of writing, have tumours in my liver and lungs and around my heart, but I feel more alive and healthier and happier than I’ve ever felt before. My days are filled with joy, connection and love and that’s not despite the cancer, it’s because of it.

Most people haven’t heard of the condition Scoliosis and unfortunately for those that have, a lot of people have the perception that Scoliosis is “just” a curve in the spine. I was diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 12 and had spinal fusion surgery at the age of 14. Physically I might have been fixed but my mental health started to take a gradual decline. 

I’ve personally struggled with mental health issues throughout my academic journey – bullying and hateful comments being one of the major causes for these. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety during my degree after reaching out to the Student Wellbeing centre and being directed to the doctors.

What Does it Mean to Be A Man? This is a hard question to answer. I think men feel there is this constant expectation (usually their own) to perform and a sense of ‘should'. They should the strongest in the gym. They should party the hardest. They should not show emotions and any cost. In my opinion, the current approach to being a ’Strong Man’ is killing us. Literally. Rather than being a man that ‘should' be a man who writes his own ‘rule book’.

There is a war on plus size women, a slow and silent war of the mind. I will never forget the feeling of going to bed hungry. And viewing it as a victory when it was actually defeat. The path to recovery was and still is peppered with anxiety, self-harm, countless tears, fad-diets. I have a new found respect and love for myself and my body. I now know my size does not dictate my worth.

To honour ME/CFS awareness day, I thought this was the right opportunity to share my story as I am starting this new chapter of visibility and truth. For those of you who are new to ME/CFS, who don’t know what it entails and do not know anyone in their life who suffers from it, it’s a difficult disability to explain. 

They say your gut is like a second brain and there was a clear link between my mental health and physical health. I still have a lot to process and have looked into counselling, but removing my colon gave me more than just a bag for life. It helped me to see the importance of my mental stability when going through a physical illness.