this talk: is about building strength and resilience after attempting suicide - with Pheebs Jameson
Mental illness can be unexpected, it can be unique, and often it can be very isolating.
My journey with mental illness began at 11 years old after a very traumatic assault. Darkness. It's all I can remember of my early teenage years. I was 13 years old when I first self-harmed, it was a way for me to finally be in control of all the confusion, loneliness and hatred I had been feeling. I had never heard of mental illness at that age and I did not understand why my mind was having such vivid, intrusive thoughts (on reflection, these were suicidal thoughts). I gradually, became solely focused on ending my life.
3 years ago, I attempted suicide. It was not the first attempt on my life, it was not the last, but it was the overdose where I nearly lost my life. Sharing this publicly, takes a lot of courage and a lot of vulnerability but there is something beautiful in being able to be so vulnerable with other people and I am writing this, in the hope that it will help show someone that they are not alone and to also aid in de-fuelling the stigma that surrounds suicidal ideation, trauma and mental illness. I was in the eye of my own storm that only I could understand. I did not know how to explain it to anyone else and I think, to some degree, I will always struggle with that. I could not see another way out of all the darkness I was feeling. I overdosed – very badly. On reflection, this night is a haze to me. I struggle to remember parts of it, I think my mind has blocked it out due to how traumatic I found it. I was taken to A&E and put into Resus and ICU. I was on a drip in hospital for days. The aftermath of a suicide attempt is overwhelming, and I still feel some of the guilt now, even 3 years on.
2017 was the hardest year of my life so far. My parents separated, I was severely bullied at school surrounding my weight, I was frequently in and out of hospital making attempts on my life (receiving no consistent support) and my beautiful mum was diagnosed with cancer, again. Honestly, I did not think I would survive that year, I could not cope with my mind and then suddenly all these devastating issues started happening around me. I felt I had lost all control. But then I regained that control - through therapy, music, family and poetry. I slowly began to turn my life around. I began DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) in Spring 2017 and was placed on an anti-psychotic.
I just want to discuss therapy and medication. It is not a ‘one size fits all’, often there is trial and error with certain therapy and medication, for some people they simply do not help. For me, this certain medication along with my therapy, open conversations with my loved ones, the power of music and my own hard work, aided in me beginning to change my life for the better.
In recent times, I have been struggling again with my suicidal thoughts and mental illness. I do not want to live with my mind like this forever and I won’t, I’m working hard to cope with my mind through trauma therapy, medications and I’m starting DBT again to try combat the mental illnesses I have. I have put so much time, effort and acceptance into helping my mind. I have accepted therapy and have been attending therapy for several years now. I have made positive changes around me, I have acknowledged and learnt from my mistakes and I have accepted that I am a flawed person (we all have flaws!). But, I have also accepted that I’m worthy of all things beautiful in life. I admire my own resilience and I am not ashamed to say that. Yes, I do still have dark thoughts. I do still have mental illness. I do still have very little clue of direction in my life. But what I do know is I have so much strength and love radiating within me. I want to harness the strength in me and use my experiences to help other people, whether that be through my words or through my actions – I want to make change and I will make change.
To anyone going through something similar as mentioned above, please know, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, things will get better. I promise you they will. It might take time and patience but wonderful things happen to us every day. I appreciate it is so hard to see the sunshine when all your mind is showing you is the darkness but I promise it’s there and I promise you will see the sunshine again. I am proud to share this story. It was a factor of my life that I used to not be able to manage, I was so ashamed of myself. Now, here I am writing and reflecting on what a strong woman I have become. If you had told me 3 years ago, that I would be sat in my kitchen (while my mum makes a cake) writing about my mental health and how far I’ve come, I would have laughed you out the room.
Here’s to the girl I was then and to the woman I am now – You are strong. You are worthy. You deserve to live your life. I love you. You deserve to be here.