this talk: is about the mental toll of societal expectation inflicted upon men - with Tom Watson
What Does it Mean to Be A Man? This is a hard question to answer.
Think of a river. We can often conceptualise its breath, but its depth is often unknown and hard to determine.
How deep does this question go? Warren Buffet advised to never test the depth of a river with both feet. It is true that this question needs to be approached with caution (much like a flowing river) to understand it's power and influence.
It’s a question I have dipped my toe in for sometime after experiencing my first bout of depression and anxiety in my late teens/early twenties. I didn't really understand what I was experiencing and thought it made me weak. And if I was weak then that meant I wasn’t strong. So what is a strong man?
For so long I was just using weed killer on the ‘why’ and never really got down to the root of it all. I just thought I could solve it all by ‘working out’ and playing to the typical rule book of what I thought it meant to be a man. My garden is by no means de weeded in it’s entirety but It’s certainly in blossom writing this today.
I think men feel there is this constant expectation (usually their own) to perform and a sense of ‘should'.
They should the strongest in the gym.
They should be the funniest in the ‘whats app’ group.
They should have the best ‘banter’.
They should party the hardest.
They should bottle it all up.
The should have the fittest ‘bird’.
They should have abs.
They should have more followers.
They should not show emotions and any cost.
They should be adored by all women.
They should be in control.
They should be someone others expect them to be.
They should not show weakness.
They should be strong.
In my opinion, the current approach to being a ’Strong Man’ is killing us. Literally. This particular river is rapid and we know it’s depth. The biggest killer of men under the age of 45 is suicide. With alarming high suicide rates amongst the male community the thing most likely to kill me… is me. The thing most likely to kill your dad, brother, son, mate, colleague are themselves.
I have been tentatively introducing my other foot into the river for a while now and I am starting to see a strong man as someone who not just works 'out' but also works ‘in’. Us men need to exercise not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
“The way of the superior man is threefold; virtuous, they are free from anxieties; wise they are free from perplexities; and bold they are free from fear.” - Confucius
Rather than being a man that ‘should' be a man who writes his own ‘rule book’ and do it with authenticity, balance and control.
Be a man who owns their problems.
Be the man who checks in on his mates on ‘whats app’.
Be a man who speaks out.
Be a man who treats himself with respect.
Be a man who treats others with respect.
Be a man who treats woman with respect.
Be a man who laughs.
Be a man who cry's.
Be a man who takes ownership.
Be a man who opens hearts and minds.
Be a man who accepts success.
Be a man who accepts failure.
Be a man who is a strong leader.
Be a man who can stand up straight with his shoulders back.
Be a man who has his emotions under voluntary control.
Be a man who can control anger & aggression.
Be a man who is gracious in defeat.
Be a man who shows true authenticity.
Be a man of more words.
Be a strong man.
I am now a co founder of ’Talk Club’ which is a behaviour-changing movement aimed at getting men to talk more openly about their thoughts, feelings, worries and day-to-day gripes (and all the positive stuff too!). We want to create as many safe and confidential spaces across the UK where men can meet regularly to talk, and listen to each other. We are here to encourage and support men across the globe, to set up their own TALK CLUB and be men of more words.
So…. What does it mean to be a man? - It’s not the answer that enlightens but the question.
Men.. I urge you to dip your toe in the water.
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