this talk: is about recognising eating disorders in males - with Connor Spratt
On an early morning in the cold winter air, I found myself running outside to a point of extreme pain. I had picked up an injury the week prior meaning I couldn’t breathe properly. However, the fact that I had binged on food for hours the night before, to a point of painful fullness, was causing me the real damage. I realised that something was wrong, why was I exercising in attempt to burn off weight when I could barely move?
Although I had just come to this realisation, the reality was that I was suffering for a long time prior. Over different events in my life, I had come to the conclusion that I was only valuable when I was losing weight. I was only worth talking to when I didn’t have belly fat. I was only worth thinking about if the number on the scale was lowered. Once I came to this conclusion, I had to maintain a daily quest to lower my weight. I try to avoid describing how I did this, as the way I did it won’t be the same for many others. Why does this mean I shouldn’t describe it now? That’ll make sense later in the post. Anyway, I reached a point where all I could think about was food. Burning off food. How much food I am going to eat. When I will eat it. Does it have the ‘right’ amount of calories? What if it’s too much? Or I can’t count each calorie precisely? What if I gain weight?
You know when you pull on an elastic band so harsh and it just splits? Well, that happened to me. I was thinking about food so much, I snapped in the form of bingeing pretty much nightly. It was a rush, a relief, from the constant restriction I found myself in every day. However, it was always followed by the dread of then gaining weight. With this dread, I matched it with harsher restriction, more extensive purging and sadly even more significant bingeing. This went on for a while, but I didn’t realise that I was truly suffering.
Looking back, I know that I shouldn’t have ascribed my value to the number on a scale. Nobody should. Saying that, I only came to this conclusion as a result of me reaching out and seeking help. Seeking help was the one thing that enabled me to start the journey into recovery. However, before seeking help I tried to validate my experience by searching for others with similar stories. Sadly, when I searched for these stories, I compared in a way that stopped me seeking help. “I can’t be sick, I’m not doing x or I don’t weigh y amount”. At the same time, I was still being mentally destroyed by my food habits, exercise beliefs and more.
I’ve come to realise that there is only one measurement I should use to validate my feelings: My own pain. It doesn’t matter if I don’t do what somebody else states they do, or what they don’t do which I do instead. If I am suffering, that is enough a reason to seek help. Full stop. Read it again. If you are suffering, please don’t question yourself as others may ‘have it worse’ or you’re ‘not as bad as x person’. You’re the only person who is feeling the pain that you are, don’t let somebody else who isn’t experiencing this dictate whether you do or don’t get help.
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