this talk: is about complex PTSD, boundaries and the road to recovery - with Bethany Churcher
My name is Bethany Churcher. I’m 27 and I’m a writer, model, and performer.
My mental health journey started when I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 11 after childhood abuse that went on to shape the best part of my teens and early adulthood.
I had many sessions of counselling as a child, but ultimately my problems would never seem to fully go away. I found solace in erratic behaviour and boundary pushing and I found myself increasingly experiencing new trauma and burying myself in my job, toxic coping mechanisms and relationships. I was on a downward spiral, and due for a major blowout.
After suffering with a brain condition at 18 and then losing a significant amount of weight, my body image became a huge part of my identity and I struggled to find out who I was as a person because I had changed so significantly. I thought losing weight would make me feel better, but it didn’t, and so I became disappointed with the constant feeling of emptiness that my life held. The end of 2018 saw the breakdown of a mentally abusive relationship that seemed to be the final straw on top of the very large bale of hay that I was carrying around on my back. And after running away from the grief and trauma that caused me, it was only in 2020 that I finally broke down.
After the world shut down, I left London and was struggling with the pressure of having a large following. I struggled to accept the judgement I got from some people, and the way in which people think they know you through an online persona. How could they know me if I don’t yet know myself? With the loss of my social life, my identity issues and the pressures of social media, as well as the death of my beloved Grandfather, I became aware that my tolerance levels were dwindling.
It all came to a head when I was learning to drive, and I couldn’t reverse park my car. I had a huge breakdown and drove home bawling my eyes out. I sat on my bed crying for four hours begging my Mum to let me go to Switzerland to be euthanised. The way I saw it, I hadn’t been ‘happy’ for a significant period since before I was 8 years old, and that was a miserable existence. I wanted my family’s permission to end this never-ending cycle of mental torture. Of course, my Mum said no, and thank god she did. If they wouldn’t let me take myself to Switzerland, then I had to go to a hospital and get sorted once and for all.
I was referred to the Mental Health Crisis Team, and they saved my life. It was here that I was informed that it wasn’t depression, I actually had Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD is caused by multiple traumatic events which affects your development in your ability to feel safe, regulate emotions, setting and keeping boundaries and trusting yourself. Survivors often dissociate and can live what appears to be a functional life for many years, even though most have multiple instances of trauma after the initial event. Trauma survivors are often conditioned to live in extreme states of emotion, such as hyper-vigilance.
This breakdown forced me to take time off work and take a break from social media. I saw the psychologist once a week who taught me that understanding my trauma was the first step in healing. I was finally shown that all the feelings I had were valid and was taught why I felt and did the things that I did. Through doing this, I started to understand that person I had been avoiding getting to know for so long – myself.
The best lesson I learnt was the lesson of boundaries. It is ok to want to please, but don’t please from a place of fear. Don’t pretend you’re ok just to please others. The person you need to please first and foremost is you, those people that love you will accept if you’re having a bad day, or if you need space. There is no shame in saying no and putting yourself first. And finally don’t be ashamed of your past, we all have a story to tell and our experiences don’t tarnish or define us.
I can finally say I’m recovering – and I think I’m nearly there. After 20 years of fighting against myself I’m finally smiling and getting to know who I am and what I need, and I’m saying no more often!
You can find Bethany on:
Instagram