this talk: is about inadequacy, anxiety & disability - with Caprice-Kwai Ambersley
Hello! My name is Caprice-Kwai. I am a disabled model and blogger.
At the age of 10, I had a really bad knee dislocation, which has left me disabled and using crutches to mobilise. Since then, I have been diagnosed with Osteoarthritis, Joint Hyper-mobility and Chronic Pain Syndrome.
Becoming disabled at 10 years old massively impacted my mental health. I went from being an active young girl to being housebound and anxious. Over the next few years, I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks.
I think my anxiety and panic attacks developed from the sudden life change and uncertainty of my future. I was all suddenly immobile, not attending primary school and dealing with debilitating pain every day, as well as doctors not knowing what was wrong with me.
Back then, my biggest anxiety triggers were leaving the house and attending school. Leaving the house would scare me because I didn’t know what I was going to face - Will the venue be accessible? Will the bus driver wait for me to sit down before driving off? Will people stare at my crutches?
My biggest panic attacks happened when I started secondary school. I was on my way to school by myself one day, I was crying, shaking and hyperventilating. I remember phoning my God Mother and trying to explain how I was feeling in that moment and why I didn’t want to go into school that day. I ended up going back home and hiding away from the world because fear engulfed me and I didn’t know a way out.
Secondary school made me feel inadequate because of my disability. I always knew someone would ask about my crutches, my leg or even make a rude comment about my disability. Kids are not aware of how powerful their words can be and all of these things contributed to the decline in my mental health and anxiety at such a young age.
Over the next few years, I went for multiple tests for my physical health, but I also started receiving treatment for my mental health. I was introduced to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) where I had officially been diagnosed with anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.
Although I learned valuable skills and coping mechanisms in CBT, I still dealt with severe anxiety and the fear of leaving my home. The one thing that truly helped me back then (and now) is my mum. Having someone that really understands everything I have gone through has been the biggest blessing for me and I am very grateful for her.
I still deal with anxiety but things like meditation, going on daily walks, eating a healthier diet, speaking to someone and most importantly, accepting my feelings in the present moment have all kept me grounded and have been my saving grace.
I think my biggest piece of advice would be to find whatever works for you. We all experience anxiety and panic attacks in different ways. What works for me, might not work for you and that’s okay. Do things that make you happy, find a new hobby or do that thing you’ve always wanted to do! One thing my anxiety has taught me, is to go for it. Stop living in fear and take back your power because you’re in control.
A book I would recommend for anyone that deals with anxiety is ‘Hope and Help for Your Nerves’ by Dr Claire Weekes. This book perfectly explains what is happening in our nervous system when we’re experiencing anxiety and how to overcome it.
“In overwhelming anxiety, she found overwhelming grace.” Although anxiety is a horrible thing to go through, I truly believe it has helped me become the best version of myself and I know you can become the best version of yourself too.
Always put yourself first and just know it’s okay to reach out for help, which is probably the hardest step to take! Turn your pain into power and know you’re not alone in whatever you’re going through. I made it through my worst days and I know you can too.