this talk: is about self-acceptance, spirituality and disability - with Renee Bryant-Mulcare
My journey with mental health began from around the age of 13 after encountering my first experience with bereavement, when my uncle sadly passed away. At the time I was also struggling majorly with body-image issues, and the battle between my mind and body began to grow heavier, which over the years then lead me down a dark path to a deep state of depression. I fell into a viscous cycle of starving myself, making myself sick and binge eating, as well as other forms of self-harm which then tragically resulted in me attempting suicide at the young age of 15.
The body image issues that I was facing occurred due to me struggling with self-acceptance and self-perception, because of my disability. Although at the time it was seeming like a never-ending battle I was up against, I hadn’t always been that way and my vision wasn't always so majorly distorted with the way I viewed myself. My disability occurred at the age of only 6 days old, when my life took an unexpected turn for the worst - I was unfortunately left paralysed after a road traffic accident. A woman crashed into my Dad’s car, which broke the lower parts of my spine, which then lead to the permanent use of my wheelchair.
After being rushed into the hospital, the doctors informed my parents that it was unlikely that I'd survive. However, at that point the doctors had failed to notice that my legs were no longer moving and didn’t discover that I was paralysed until days later. It was then at the age of 9 days old, that the surgeons performed my surgery to fuse my spine back together with metal rods and bolts. Since that day, I have undertaken a further 12 surgeries to improve the status of my on-going condition.
I began to adapt to my situation with little resistance and a whole lot of strength! At the age of 4 I was equipped with my first wheelchair and then began nursery. At that time, and during primary school, I viewed myself the same as anybody else and enjoyed life. I was described as a bubbly, energetic, loving child. It wasn’t until I reached my teen years that my perspective on myself and my life completely changed.
I began to embark on the road to recovery for my mental health after being admitted into the hospital following a suicide attempt at 15. Shortly after, I started to see a counsellor who then diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and was later informed that I was also up against PTSD. With the combination of the therapy I was receiving, and along with the support from my family and friends I was able to rise to a more stable place. However, just as things seemed to be settling down and I was in a more peaceful state of mind, I then lost 3 more of my closest family members (inc. my mother) over the duration of 3 years, which caused my mental health to decline rapidly. It wasn’t long before my mind was in the darkest depths of depression.
Rock bottom became the foundation of where I began to rebuild my life from. I began to heal the parts of me that told me I wasn’t good enough, with self-love. I silenced the voices that told me I’d never be the woman I am today and instead allowed my intuition to guide me to a place of peace. I held space to give myself and others, the compassion and forgiveness that was needed in order to let go and be enabled to move forward.
Moving onto the present - I am now a 22 year old, of whom is living a life I once thought was completely impossible. I used to be ashamed of things I was battling against and would often shy away from speaking on my experiences with mental health due to the stigma around it. However, I’m now able to draw so much strength from expressing and exploring back on the lowest places I've been in.
There is strength to be found in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, there is power and purpose behind the pain you’ve been handed.
I threw myself deep into my healing/inner work and whilst making that my main focus, I had to trust that the universe had my back through it all. I spent endless hours meditating, doing healing therapies and ceremonies, repeating affirmations, reading books, healing my chakras and my mind, researching into how to ease the heaviness on my heart, allowing my emotions to rise and flow through me. I enabled my intuition to be in the driver seat to guide me through it all and show me the next steps of what I needed to do and where I needed to go in order to heal and rise my vibration to a place of love, rather than residing in a place of fear.
My journey with spirituality consciously began from around the age of 18. However, looking back I can see that it had been there all along underneath the surface. I didn’t discover this until I enabled myself to begin the road to self-discovery. When I consciously tapped into this higher calling, listened to my intuition and allowed myself to flow towards places and people I was being drawn to, I was able to adapt a better mind-set and perspective on life. I began to realise the true depths of my strength; I was able to see what I was truly made of and my purpose became clearer. With the help of the amazing people around me, who’s journey and calling was also similar, together we were able to help each other rise.
Allow the emotions to arrive. Sit with them, hold space for them, release them, and don’t forget that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be okay! Shout if you have to, scream from the roof tops. Whatever you do, just don’t bottle up how you feel. Do whatever you need to do to protect your energy. Love yourself like you love others, listen to yourself like you listen to others. Tap into your inner-world and allow your intuition to guide you through. Emotions are visitors, allow them their time but know when it’s time to say bye. Move through them, transmute them. Please remember how powerful you are.
Please be patient & kind to yourself always but especially in times of darkness, in times of uncertainty and heaviness. Know that it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling, don’t force yourself through it or to feel any other way than what you’re feeling now. Your feelings are valid, and they matter, just like you. Take time out for you, until you feel like you again.
I want to end this by kindly reminding you that everything is going to be okay! Trust yourself and believe everything is unfolding as it should be. You’re amazing, you’re worthy, you’re powerful beyond belief!