this talk: is about dealing with the lasting impacts of childhood trauma - with Jada Ariyelle Young
When I see or hear the words “mental health”, it triggers me by flooding my mind with memories of battling depression alone as a teenager. I’m reminded that I am still fighting past traumas and words that still cling onto me from years ago. It’s a constant thing. For me, it was feeling like an outcast and that I was neglected to fight the battle alone that caused me to go into a depression. Nobody thought to ask if I was alright because they figured since I was naturally quiet that I must have been. And since no one asked, I kept all of my feelings of unworthiness and doubt to myself. I thought no one cared, because if they did, they would have tried to rescue me. Instead, they made it worse in my eyes.
At one point, though, I got so tired and angry for not feeling that I was worthy of existing and having let the opinions of others fill my head with lies. I thought “who are they to try and decide who I am?”, because, truthfully, no one can tell another soul how to live their truth.
I’m 23 years old and although I have become so much stronger and able to live for me, I still find myself questioning whether or not I’m making the right decisions and if and how they will make people feel. Constantly looking at my camera to check my appearance, I question if I look pretty because the trauma of being called “ugly” still lingers in the back of my mind.
Some people say “don’t live in the past” when it comes to changing negative thinking patterns, but I don’t think it’s possible when it comes to childhood traumas. I feel like that’s saying forget it ever happened, but it works for some people. But for others like me, we can’t forget. We learn to live with it and cope when the triggers show up.
Sometimes I cope by setting reminders on my phone that say “be mindful”, and reciting affirmations like “I am ambitious and worthy of everything my heart desires”. This really helps train my mind to think positively about myself and puts me in a peaceful place where I can be productive and accomplish goals.
Other times, I cope by laying in bed, not wanting to leave the house. I procrastinate a lot whenever I feel anxious or have doubts about accomplishing a task. I wonder if it will be worth it in the end, even though it always is.
In essence, my journey of self love and mental health has been a long one and continues to propel me into newer dimensions of myself as I learn more about who I am. I am still growing and learning to love myself. I am learning that it’s ok to let my guard down and let people in. I am learning there ARE people who care about me and will be here for me no matter what.
It’s all a process and will get better with time.