this talk: is about learning to be responsible for your own happiness - with Nicole
At the age of 25, two difficult and life-altering things happened to me all at once. My Grandad passed away suddenly and my relationship, that had been turbulent for some time, completely broke down. These were two aspects of my life that I was the most reliant on. My Grandad was a Dad to me, and the one positive male figure in my life. Knowing that my boyfriend and I had finished for good this time terrified me. In hindsight this is because I was so scared of being single and didn’t know how to be on my own.
I started counselling a few weeks after these events, due to having my first serious struggles with mental health, and it shed light on aspects of my life that I had buried away and hadn’t spoken about with anyone.
I realised that my love for my Grandad was so intense due to the lack of my biological father in my life and at times, difficult family dynamics in my own home. I could talk to him about my guy and friendship problems. He helped me with my homework and studying for exams. I just knew he adored me, which is such a sacred feeling. Some of my fondest memories to date are of him telling me imaginative, intricate stories each morning, as I was growing up. It wasn’t until I got older, that I realised that these had all been created inside his head and they were so detailed that I can still remember some of the characters and plots today. He was my safe place, my encourager and I knew he loved me unconditionally. Going through counselling also made me realise why I was fixated on finding a happy ending with a partner and why, even when relationships weren’t working, I wanted to return to them. I longed for the fairytale that I didn’t have. A Mum and Dad that stayed together and all the cliched things that you read about in books and see in films. I spent a lot of my childhood and teenager years not feeling emotionally secure due to varying factors and I had, without realising it, put pressure on myself to find the ‘perfect’ relationship, as I subconsciously believed this would provide me with the security I needed.
I am now 30 and in the last five years, I have experienced happy times, but I have also struggled with anxiety and depression. What I have learned from going through counselling and reflecting on the triggers of losing my partner and my loved one all at once, is that I saw these people as my safety net. To feel that you need support is completely valid and so is missing people that were huge parts of your life. However, I have realised, especially over the last few months due to being in a good place mentally and emotionally, that I am largely responsible for my own happiness. I have the power to bloom again, even when my problems or situations have left me wilted. I have learnt to build resilience and for me that includes; practicing self-care, understanding and working on the routes of my depression and anxiety, discovering my passions, not comparing myself to others and no longer putting myself on unrealistic timelines.
Resilience isn’t about being solely independent as it is crucial to have a strong support network. To me, resilience is the ability to gain more control over your life and your happiness, so that you can keep surviving and flourishing. I wrote a quote recently, ‘she realised that she didn’t need anyone to save her, instead she wanted someone with her, close to her, holding her, while she saved herself.’ On a personal level, this symbolises that it is ok that I miss my Grandad and it is ok to feel that I would love nothing more than to meet the right person and have my own family. However, I am capable and able to handle life without these things too. Yes, it can be hard, but I am proud of my journey and the person I have become.
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