this talk: is about navigating being genderqueer whilst managing existing mental health issues - with Phil Hill
My journey with poor mental health began when I was around 13. Feeling desperately lonely, along with being bullied at school, meant I found myself sat on my bed in floods of tears numerous times per week. As I got older, anxiety, stress, and anger were feelings that became all too familiar and eventually I felt so low suicidal thoughts started to emerge.
Spending the best part of five years suffering in silence I eventually opened up to my Sister, where after many long discussions she convinced me to try counselling. After seeking professional help on and off for a number of years it was a session I had in the April of 2018 that probably changed my life the most.
On this particular occasion I had gone into depth about my years of being a self-proclaimed tomboy, at which point my counsellor turned to me and asked “What gender do you identify as?” Having never really questioned my gender and simply seeing my masculine side as nothing more than me being one of the lads, I told my counsellor “I 100% identify as female, but I feel90% masculine”.
Little did I know at the time, but in that moment an internal domino fell inside me forcing me to question who I really was and whether my years of masculine behaviour resembled something far bigger than I initially thought.
Around two weeks passed and as the last domino fell I came to the biggest realisation of my life so far; I realised I wasn’t female. From that point onwards I saw myself as a person rather than a gender and in time found the right language to explain my identity. I eventually ’came out’ as genderqueer and began using they/them pronouns.
The realisation of something so integral to my identity had a tremendously bittersweet affect on my mental health.
Initially I was on a high. Finally knowing who I really was and being privileged enough to live as that person authentically in society had a hugely positive impact on my well-being. A feeling of pride, comfort, excitement and happiness more specifically known as gender euphoria. I remember walking down the street on numerous occasions in the weeks after with a new found confidence and a genuine reason to smile.
But despite the euphoric moments it wasn’t all plain sailing. Regardless of how I felt inside my exterior didn’t match. To the world I still looked female and to me every glance in a reflection was a reminder of someone I thought I used to be. In addition, I was suddenly having to adapt to the many struggles of trans life, like being misgendered and not feeling comfortable enough to use public bathrooms. In these moments I felt depressed and went on to learn that I was experiencing gender dysphoria.
As a result I began transforming my outer shell with the goal being to look less feminine. With each adjustment I felt more and more in tune with my body and finally my reflection became my friend.
The last two years have been spent learning how to navigate being genderqueer in a cisgendered world whilst simultaneously trying to manage my history of mental health issues. Some days this looks like me binding my chest with specialised tape and having my mood completely ruined all because somebody referred to me as ‘Miss’. But on others it looks like me posting a particularly masculine looking selfie on my Instagram or having my day made as a customer tells me they like my pronoun badge. For the most part though, my days are somewhere in between the two.
I still struggle with my mental health and to be honest I think I always will. But after years of counselling I can safely say I am in a much better place than I was as a vulnerable 13 year old keeping everything inside. Understanding my gender identity has brought me nothing but happiness, it was only ever the outside world that made it difficult. But despite the negative impact being openly queer sometimes has on my mental well-being, I am proud to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community and wouldn’t change thatfor the world.